Longhorn State...

It's so strange how something that occurs in one's life can completely change the perspective on everything in it.  I remember when Sam was born, and I was hit hard with the, "Oh my God, I've never loved something this much, and I would die in a heartbeat to protect it," kind of love that a parent has for her child.  I also remember how it changed my perspective on people.  I was teaching at VU at the time, and now when my students came in on the first day, I looked at them not only as students, but as somebody's baby.  Someone, somewhere, loved them the same way that I loved my Sam, and it made me react to people differently.  It made me think a little more before I made judgments, because now I was judging not only a person, but someone's BABY.  It definitely helped me in several ways, but at the same time, it opened my eyes to the overwhelming sadness that exists when someone isn't loved like he or she should be.  Now, after having my own kids, it takes my breath when I imagine a child going to bed hungry, or not being shown the attention they deserve.  It's almost to much to empathize with at times.

This thing with my brother has caused another shift in my universe - a 'paradigm shift' as one of my professor's referred to it.  Sure, it has brought about that fear that no one should have to face, but that everyone surely does in a lifetime.  It has brought questions, and anger, and sadness, and a fierce protectiveness that I can't describe.  But more than anything, it's brought to light a kindness among people that you don't get to experience on a day to day basis.

The kindness in the thoughtful messages, texts, facebook posts, prayers, and just general interest in my brother's case has been overwhelming.  I'm not kidding - it has made me speechless at times, and for those of you who know me, that doesn't happen.  Ever.  But, it has shown me how truly good people are - how much kindness and selflessness we're really capable of exerting when we need to. 

And, several people have gone above and beyond the call of being kind, and have given of themselves in ways that can't be paid back.  And the beautiful part about it, is that the people who have done this don't want to be paid back.  It made them feel good to do it, and it just lifts me to a place I can't describe when I think of it.  Because of this, I've been scanning my brain, trying to come up with a way to pay all of this forward.  And, I have.  And, I'm so excited about it.  I still have to work out all the logistics, but so far, this is what I've got...I'm going to offer ten 'Pay it Forward' shoots next year.  I think I will mostly offer it for Senior shoots, but any shoot would probably work.  With this, the client won't pay me anything for their shoot.  Instead, they can donate their time to a charity around our town, or someplace that needs some extra hands.  If they can't donate all the time, they could use some of the payment toward a particular charity - but especially ones in our town.  This way, a senior who may not be able to afford a shoot can get one, but even for those who can, I just think this is a win win for everyone.  Like I said, I'm still working out the logistics.  I'm going to get ahold of the people in town who can point me in the right direction as far as local charities and go from there.

So, it's apparent that this thing with my Bub has changed me.  I'd like to think for the better, but who knows.  He is such a trooper.  He's been in a huge amount of pain from his port, but he's not complaining.  He just desperately wants to maintain a sense of normalcy in his life, so he doesn't say a word.  I wish I were as strong as he has been  - it's truly amazing to see.  I feel a sense of calm and peace since I arrived and have been able to see him and HUG him!  I know I'll dread leaving, but being here is definitely something I needed. 

Again, keep the prayers and positive vibes headed his way - he has a long road to travel, but I know he'll make it.  I KNOW it. 

B