Retrospective

I guess given the circumstances of late, it seems a bit odd to be looking back rather than forward, but I've been really engulfed in my past - particularly my senior year of high school. Songs, notes, volleyball Sectional Champs (sorry - had to throw that in - hehe!), true love, true friendships that lasted a lifetime, or at least seems like a lifetime. I've thought long and hard about why I can't seem to shake thinking about this time in my life, and I think it's because it was truly the easiest, most simple, worry-free, 'top of the world' time of my life. Now, I'm raising four kids, working my ass off, and worrying about my baby brother, who during my senior year, was happy, healthy, and I was his Big Sis who could fix all his problems. Now, I have a chance to 'fix' the biggest problem he will hopefully ever face in his liftime, and it's weighing on me. What if my organs aren't healthy enough? What if my kidney fails him? What if I can't 'fix' this for him? All of this is taking me back to a time when winning volleyball games, road tripping, and going to football games, basketball games, and baseball games - with my little brother in tow most of the time - was the only thing that consumed me. My whole life was ahead of me, and I dreamed of what I'd become - I dreamed of having a family, with two kids, lots of dogs and cats, and a 'perfect life'. I was always liberal, so I knew I wanted to work, and after a major change of direction in college, I finally chased my true love: English - and especially the grammar side of it. I like literature, but I could seriously diagram sentences all day. I know - FREAK. So, I did graduate with a degree in English and was able to teach at VU for five years before I finally stopped working for awhile as I had enough work with a four year old, two year old, and a newborn who didn't sleep due to having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from his experience after his birth. It was another time in my life that I drifted back to my past and settled there for hours at a time in my dreams. After a serious bout of Post Partum Depression eased from seeking help, I decided to dive into photography head on. And now, five years later, I'm here. I'm right where I want to be. Except, I'm still sucked in to that time of my life when all was well, and I had no worries. Anyway, listening to music that takes me back there is helping a bit. And, it's a reminder that despite the circumstances with my Bub, I am so very blessed. I can't decide if I want to journal about this experience with my Bub on this blog, or if I need to start a new one. Either way, I'm going to at least start on this one so I can get my thoughts onto 'paper', and my kids will someday understand what I'm doing, and why, and how when you truly love someone with all your heart, you'd do anything for them, without a thought at all, even though I know all of my kids would donate their own kidney to Uncle Tebe NOW if they could. They love him to the moon and back, and the feeling is completely mutual. So, please, come on this journey with me. If I can figure out how to embed songs into this blog, I will use music to sort of represent what's going on in this head of mine. And of course, any prayers and positive thoughts are always more than welcome. ** I have no idea why blogger in not putting paragraphs into my posts, but until I figure it out, I apologize. ** B