It's so strange how something that occurs in one's life can completely change the perspective on everything in it. I remember when Sam was born, and I was hit hard with the, "Oh my God, I've never loved something this much, and I would die in a heartbeat to protect it," kind of love that a parent has for her child. I also remember how it changed my perspective on people. I was teaching at VU at the time, and now when my students came in on the first day, I looked at them not only as students, but as somebody's baby. Someone, somewhere, loved them the same way that I loved my Sam, and it made me react to people differently. It made me think a little more before I made judgments, because now I was judging not only a person, but someone's BABY. It definitely helped me in several ways, but at the same time, it opened my eyes to the overwhelming sadness that exists when someone isn't loved like he or she should be. Now, after having my own kids, it takes my breath when I imagine a child going to bed hungry, or not being shown the attention they deserve. It's almost to much to empathize with at times.
This thing with my brother has caused another shift in my universe - a 'paradigm shift' as one of my professor's referred to it. Sure, it has brought about that fear that no one should have to face, but that everyone surely does in a lifetime. It has brought questions, and anger, and sadness, and a fierce protectiveness that I can't describe. But more than anything, it's brought to light a kindness among people that you don't get to experience on a day to day basis.
The kindness in the thoughtful messages, texts, facebook posts, prayers, and just general interest in my brother's case has been overwhelming. I'm not kidding - it has made me speechless at times, and for those of you who know me, that doesn't happen. Ever. But, it has shown me how truly good people are - how much kindness and selflessness we're really capable of exerting when we need to.
And, several people have gone above and beyond the call of being kind, and have given of themselves in ways that can't be paid back. And the beautiful part about it, is that the people who have done this don't want to be paid back. It made them feel good to do it, and it just lifts me to a place I can't describe when I think of it. Because of this, I've been scanning my brain, trying to come up with a way to pay all of this forward. And, I have. And, I'm so excited about it. I still have to work out all the logistics, but so far, this is what I've got...I'm going to offer ten 'Pay it Forward' shoots next year. I think I will mostly offer it for Senior shoots, but any shoot would probably work. With this, the client won't pay me anything for their shoot. Instead, they can donate their time to a charity around our town, or someplace that needs some extra hands. If they can't donate all the time, they could use some of the payment toward a particular charity - but especially ones in our town. This way, a senior who may not be able to afford a shoot can get one, but even for those who can, I just think this is a win win for everyone. Like I said, I'm still working out the logistics. I'm going to get ahold of the people in town who can point me in the right direction as far as local charities and go from there.
So, it's apparent that this thing with my Bub has changed me. I'd like to think for the better, but who knows. He is such a trooper. He's been in a huge amount of pain from his port, but he's not complaining. He just desperately wants to maintain a sense of normalcy in his life, so he doesn't say a word. I wish I were as strong as he has been - it's truly amazing to see. I feel a sense of calm and peace since I arrived and have been able to see him and HUG him! I know I'll dread leaving, but being here is definitely something I needed.
Again, keep the prayers and positive vibes headed his way - he has a long road to travel, but I know he'll make it. I KNOW it.
B
Monday, November 14, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Hi Everyone - thanks for taking the time to make it over and read. It's very cathartic and therapeutic for me to get my thoughts out in words, and I firmly believe that every prayer or positive thought coming my brother's way is a blessing.
Four weeks ago, Stevie flew B.J. (my hubby) down to Austin, TX for the Cotton Bowl. It was an early birthday gift for B.J., and they were going to go to Dallas for the Bowl and then B.J. would fly home from there. Well, on the night the BJ arrived, he and Stevie and Ash went out for a few beers, but called it an early night as Tebe (my nickname for my Bub), wasn't feeling well. By the next morning, he was throwing up violently and his ankles were swollen to twice their size. After reluctantly agreeing to go to the ER, he was admittedly immediately as his blood pressure was stupid high. And by stupid high, I mean like 220/165. Stroke bait. Heart attack in a box. And, his creatnine and BUN levels were too high. Those numbers basically measure how well your kidneys are functioning and what their general output of protein and all that good stuff is. A normal number is 1.5. Tebe was checked in with a 3.5. A patient will be dialyzed when his number reaches 4 or higher.
So, at this point, he was diagnosed with Acute Kidney Failure. Since moving to Austin last year, Tebe has become somewhat of a health nut and works out regularly, and consumes large amounts of whey protein. This, we thought and hoped, was the cause of this AKF. His kidneys just became too taxed with trying to process all this protein. But, by the next day, his numbers were getting worse instead of better. The doctor began to suspect something else was at play here. This is where the 'I'm flipping out so badly I can't concentrate on anything for more than twenty seconds' stage began, but I remained positive despite the ominous feeling. My parents and friends/family did the same thing.
The following week, his doctor ordered a kidney biopsy as his numbers kept getting worse. His doc told him if anything, we want it to be a form of nephropathy called IgA because he could live a long life before having to be dialyzed with the proper treatment. So, the biopsy comes back, and lo and behold, it's IgA Nephropathy. Except it's the "Rapidly Progressive" kind that only two percent of patients with this disease suffer from. Devastation upon hearing this news is the understatement of the century. My mom called to tell me; I called Ash, his girlfriend, and we cried until we could no longer understand each other. I got in the car to drive to my husband and tell him the news. All the while, I was trying to reach my brother on the phone, and I was scared beyond reason of how his mental state would be. When I saw B.J., I collapsed in his arms and told him that Stevie was deathly ill, and that it could get worse. At that time, the phone rang, and it was him. It was Stevie. I tried to compose myself, but right after I answered and heard the words, "Hey Sissy," I completely lost it. Stevie, on the other hand was Positive Polly. I couldn't get over how calm and reassuring he was. As an aside, Stevie has come to know God on a personal level since moving to Austin, and I know this was a huge reason for his demeanor. He calmly explained to me that since his disease was the bad kind of IgA, he would immediately start chemo for a six month period in an attempt to bring his kidney function to livable percentage.
This meant that in a four day span, he and Ash had to make plans to freeze his sperm, which, for those of you who know Stevie was made absolutely hilarious with hourly updates and statements such as, "They can't even get a guy some lotion? My hand are like boulders over here!" Only he could make a situation that could have been so charged and sad into a funny one. For that, I am so grateful.
Fast forward three weeks...Tebe had the chemo in his system - twice a day - everyday, and he was on a dose twice the amount that a breast cancer patient takes. But in all of that, it was he who was reassuring us that he was fine. It was he who was making it to work everyday and talking his neurotically worried big sister off the ledge every hour. He couldn't sleep because he kept dreaming he was drowning. This was thought to be caused by the fluid accumulation around all of his organs - including his lungs. But, again, he never complained. He continually assured us that he was going to beat this even though his kidneys, "Suck Nuts," as he so eloquently explained. Well, last Monday, they tested his numbers to make sure they were doing what they were supposed to. And guess what, not only were they NOT responding the right way, they were getting worse. Way worse. End Stage Renal Failure worse. Tebe's kidneys were functioning at a whopping six percent.
So, that brings us to now. The docs immediately put him on the transplant list, they took him off the Lasik medication, and they kept him on the chemo in a last ditch effort to get his numbers up. My brother, as positive as he is, is a realist, and he knows his numbers aren't going to get better. He looks like a 'Mother F'ing Stuffed Pig' - his words, and he feels absolutely horrible. Is he complaining? Cause you can bet your sweet ass I'd be pissed and sad and depressed and I would be telling him about it! But him? Nope. Not a complaint. Just a request for a donor match so he can get a kidney and go on with his life. Typing those words makes me want to crawl inside of a hole and not come out. Knowing that I have a baby brother whom I love so very much and who is so very sick and is still positive and sure that he is going to be fine, makes me more proud than I ever thought I could be.
Here's where your prayers and positive thoughts come in. More than likely, he will start dialysis this week. From there, they will start testing us - his family - for donors. I'm begging and pleading with every fiber of my being that I'm a match. If you can pray and send wishes that I'm a good match, it would mean more than the world to me. Until we find out that I'm not, that's what I'm asking for as far as prayers go. If I'm not, than we'll move onto prayers for a match to show up quickly, but for now, I desperately want to be able to give him a kidney.
I know I have written a novel, and I so appreciate you sticking around and reading this. That action alone puts positive vibes toward him, and that's all I can ask for.
I love my little brother like I love my children. He is seriously the best friend any sister could ask for. He's also the greatest Uncle my kids could have. I pray with all my heart that his sickness and pain is eased by your prayers and positive thoughts, but I especially pray that God allows me to qualify as a donor.
Thank you, again, for your time. If you'd like to leave a comment either here or on facebook to let Tebe and me know that you've got his back, it would be so greatly appreciated.
Brandie
Four weeks ago, Stevie flew B.J. (my hubby) down to Austin, TX for the Cotton Bowl. It was an early birthday gift for B.J., and they were going to go to Dallas for the Bowl and then B.J. would fly home from there. Well, on the night the BJ arrived, he and Stevie and Ash went out for a few beers, but called it an early night as Tebe (my nickname for my Bub), wasn't feeling well. By the next morning, he was throwing up violently and his ankles were swollen to twice their size. After reluctantly agreeing to go to the ER, he was admittedly immediately as his blood pressure was stupid high. And by stupid high, I mean like 220/165. Stroke bait. Heart attack in a box. And, his creatnine and BUN levels were too high. Those numbers basically measure how well your kidneys are functioning and what their general output of protein and all that good stuff is. A normal number is 1.5. Tebe was checked in with a 3.5. A patient will be dialyzed when his number reaches 4 or higher.
So, at this point, he was diagnosed with Acute Kidney Failure. Since moving to Austin last year, Tebe has become somewhat of a health nut and works out regularly, and consumes large amounts of whey protein. This, we thought and hoped, was the cause of this AKF. His kidneys just became too taxed with trying to process all this protein. But, by the next day, his numbers were getting worse instead of better. The doctor began to suspect something else was at play here. This is where the 'I'm flipping out so badly I can't concentrate on anything for more than twenty seconds' stage began, but I remained positive despite the ominous feeling. My parents and friends/family did the same thing.
The following week, his doctor ordered a kidney biopsy as his numbers kept getting worse. His doc told him if anything, we want it to be a form of nephropathy called IgA because he could live a long life before having to be dialyzed with the proper treatment. So, the biopsy comes back, and lo and behold, it's IgA Nephropathy. Except it's the "Rapidly Progressive" kind that only two percent of patients with this disease suffer from. Devastation upon hearing this news is the understatement of the century. My mom called to tell me; I called Ash, his girlfriend, and we cried until we could no longer understand each other. I got in the car to drive to my husband and tell him the news. All the while, I was trying to reach my brother on the phone, and I was scared beyond reason of how his mental state would be. When I saw B.J., I collapsed in his arms and told him that Stevie was deathly ill, and that it could get worse. At that time, the phone rang, and it was him. It was Stevie. I tried to compose myself, but right after I answered and heard the words, "Hey Sissy," I completely lost it. Stevie, on the other hand was Positive Polly. I couldn't get over how calm and reassuring he was. As an aside, Stevie has come to know God on a personal level since moving to Austin, and I know this was a huge reason for his demeanor. He calmly explained to me that since his disease was the bad kind of IgA, he would immediately start chemo for a six month period in an attempt to bring his kidney function to livable percentage.
This meant that in a four day span, he and Ash had to make plans to freeze his sperm, which, for those of you who know Stevie was made absolutely hilarious with hourly updates and statements such as, "They can't even get a guy some lotion? My hand are like boulders over here!" Only he could make a situation that could have been so charged and sad into a funny one. For that, I am so grateful.
Fast forward three weeks...Tebe had the chemo in his system - twice a day - everyday, and he was on a dose twice the amount that a breast cancer patient takes. But in all of that, it was he who was reassuring us that he was fine. It was he who was making it to work everyday and talking his neurotically worried big sister off the ledge every hour. He couldn't sleep because he kept dreaming he was drowning. This was thought to be caused by the fluid accumulation around all of his organs - including his lungs. But, again, he never complained. He continually assured us that he was going to beat this even though his kidneys, "Suck Nuts," as he so eloquently explained. Well, last Monday, they tested his numbers to make sure they were doing what they were supposed to. And guess what, not only were they NOT responding the right way, they were getting worse. Way worse. End Stage Renal Failure worse. Tebe's kidneys were functioning at a whopping six percent.
So, that brings us to now. The docs immediately put him on the transplant list, they took him off the Lasik medication, and they kept him on the chemo in a last ditch effort to get his numbers up. My brother, as positive as he is, is a realist, and he knows his numbers aren't going to get better. He looks like a 'Mother F'ing Stuffed Pig' - his words, and he feels absolutely horrible. Is he complaining? Cause you can bet your sweet ass I'd be pissed and sad and depressed and I would be telling him about it! But him? Nope. Not a complaint. Just a request for a donor match so he can get a kidney and go on with his life. Typing those words makes me want to crawl inside of a hole and not come out. Knowing that I have a baby brother whom I love so very much and who is so very sick and is still positive and sure that he is going to be fine, makes me more proud than I ever thought I could be.
Here's where your prayers and positive thoughts come in. More than likely, he will start dialysis this week. From there, they will start testing us - his family - for donors. I'm begging and pleading with every fiber of my being that I'm a match. If you can pray and send wishes that I'm a good match, it would mean more than the world to me. Until we find out that I'm not, that's what I'm asking for as far as prayers go. If I'm not, than we'll move onto prayers for a match to show up quickly, but for now, I desperately want to be able to give him a kidney.
I know I have written a novel, and I so appreciate you sticking around and reading this. That action alone puts positive vibes toward him, and that's all I can ask for.
I love my little brother like I love my children. He is seriously the best friend any sister could ask for. He's also the greatest Uncle my kids could have. I pray with all my heart that his sickness and pain is eased by your prayers and positive thoughts, but I especially pray that God allows me to qualify as a donor.
Thank you, again, for your time. If you'd like to leave a comment either here or on facebook to let Tebe and me know that you've got his back, it would be so greatly appreciated.
Brandie
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